Day 11 of 30: Something you always think “what if…” about

This is a tough theme. Not that I never have a “what if” moment, in fact I regret my life decisions on a daily basis, but they never stay on for long. I should be grateful for that, shouldn’t I? It’s just that, I realize that I made so many unwise decisions throughout my life, but If I could somehow re-live my life again, I don’t think I want to do it much differently. Maybe I would just need to be braver and kinder if I were to restart my life. But who wants to repeat high school, anyway?

If I have to choose my biggest “what if”, it would be: What if I were braver?

That sounds vague, I know. But, I think most of bad decisions in my life that I made was because I was too scared of not being like anybody else. Maybe, I could take a gap year after I graduated high school and actually finding out what I really want to study. I could do some travelling, reading, contemplating, maybe even writing. But I know the teenager-me wouldn’t do that because she’d be too anxious that she didn’t start university the same year her class did. Maybe, I could go to film school or art school instead of engineering school and totally defied my dad. But again, the teenager-me would be too afraid of not being accepted (or being the favorite) at home and couldn’t stand the “I told you so” comment after that. Maybe I could do this and this and that if I weren’t too afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, being away from my support system for a while. But, again my younger-me would be too afraid. But in the end, I think that I was walking down the correct path, after all. That’s basically why I think that I wouldn’t do it any other way. Because from all those lost chances, I gain many things else that I’m grateful for.

My present-me is afraid all the time, too. I am learning the hard way that no matter where you are right now, you can never avoid going out of your comfort zone. I know I have to make up for what the younger-me was too scared to do. I have to clean up for her mess. Oh, damn you, teenager-me.

But I don’t regret it, though. I know that everyone has their own timeline. So, I forgive you, teenager-me.


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