The Fig Tree

Day 8 of 30: Share something you struggle with

I’m struggling with anxiety. Not the clinical one, though. I’m just lacking the chill pills. I worry a lot about my future, career-wise. I’m scared if I would never have a career or a job that I’m willing to pour my heart over without compromising anything. I’m scared that I’d be doing labor works that I never really want and just doing it for the sake of sustenance. Not that it isn’t noble (any honest job is noble), it is just extremely hard. And before I know it, every bridges are burned and every fruits have fallen and rotten. I’m just afraid that I wouldn’t make it, whatever should that means.

Is it some kind of a prolonged quarter life crisis? I don’t know, but age-wise I should’ve gone passed it. But, I’m not comfortable to explain it any further. So that, I will put Sylvia Plath’s The Fig Tree to make up for it. Because, nothing explains it better than that. Anyone will get the idea right away.

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

 

by the way, this post is a day-late, too. It is quite a challenge to post everyday, isn’t it? hehe.

image from link

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